"If you wish the dog to follow you, feed him."
I love the visualization in this quote. Everyone knows it's true too for nearly all scenarios in life. It's true in a nature - water a seed and it will grow. Dedicate yourself to something, and you will succeed even if it takes some time.
This wasn't an easy lesson for me to really learn.
In my early 20's, I was the queen of feeding the "you're not good enough" dog and it shadowed me for years. It affected my relationships - I found myself constantly waiting for loved ones to roll over and realize what I already knew (that I wasn't "enough") and to bail on me. Being overweight and having PCOS really killed my self esteem. Add that to the abandonment issues that were already exaggerated (a very common side effect of being adopted), and I was a bundle of "I'm not good enough for anyone."
It took getting the rug pulled out from under me to realize that I'm just fine. Sure, I'm not perfect, but there is nothing more fatally deficient about me than anyone else. It took a lot of support from family, friends, and the help of an amazing Therapist to realize this simple lesson. See - but giving up on me and deciding that I wasn't "good enough", I was continuing in self-destructive behaviors like choosing not to nourish my body with healthful things which just added to the obesity problem and my self loathing. I was choosing relationships (or behaviors in relationships) that weren't what I wanted, feeding the "everyone will leave me because I'm not what they want" dog.
It was a self-fulfilling prophecy. I was feeding the dog that was destroying me.
Over 10 years past all that now, I look at my current life, and ya know what? I guess I stopped feeding that self-loathing dog, because he doesn't come around much anymore. But you know what I did start doing? I started feeding a pair of pups named "I Can" and "I Am". A director believed in me. Which started a chain reaction. Soon enough I realized that "I Can" and "I Am" were with me all along, I just had to start feeding them so that they would grow!
Soon enough, they did!
This wasn't an easy lesson for me to really learn.
In my early 20's, I was the queen of feeding the "you're not good enough" dog and it shadowed me for years. It affected my relationships - I found myself constantly waiting for loved ones to roll over and realize what I already knew (that I wasn't "enough") and to bail on me. Being overweight and having PCOS really killed my self esteem. Add that to the abandonment issues that were already exaggerated (a very common side effect of being adopted), and I was a bundle of "I'm not good enough for anyone."
It took getting the rug pulled out from under me to realize that I'm just fine. Sure, I'm not perfect, but there is nothing more fatally deficient about me than anyone else. It took a lot of support from family, friends, and the help of an amazing Therapist to realize this simple lesson. See - but giving up on me and deciding that I wasn't "good enough", I was continuing in self-destructive behaviors like choosing not to nourish my body with healthful things which just added to the obesity problem and my self loathing. I was choosing relationships (or behaviors in relationships) that weren't what I wanted, feeding the "everyone will leave me because I'm not what they want" dog.
It was a self-fulfilling prophecy. I was feeding the dog that was destroying me.
Over 10 years past all that now, I look at my current life, and ya know what? I guess I stopped feeding that self-loathing dog, because he doesn't come around much anymore. But you know what I did start doing? I started feeding a pair of pups named "I Can" and "I Am". A director believed in me. Which started a chain reaction. Soon enough I realized that "I Can" and "I Am" were with me all along, I just had to start feeding them so that they would grow!
Soon enough, they did!
I found a strength there. Yes, it took friends I am forever grateful for to show me the way, but that's what friends are for! No one is an island into themselves.
Now, as I sit here writing this, I'm amazed at how far I've come. When I look in the mirror now, I don't see "You're Not Good Enough" anymore. I see "I Am". I am enough for me.
My favorite way to feed the dog is self-talk! Seriously - I've lived along long enough to know that occasionally ya just need a friendly voice telling Self-Loathing and Fear to "Get Lost!". So it's not unusual to see me working out and glancing in the mirror to offer a little pep talk to myself! I've "broken up" with different parts of my body several times (try it! It works!).
That doesn't mean I don't have my moments when I break down and cry about it. Sorrow is part of a healthy life as well. Grief is okay too. During those same deployments, I have a rule: I allow myself 24 hours of being a wreck. I know once I have a kids, this will be a luxury I won't get, but for now, I believe it's reasonable. I get 24 hours after he leaves to be miserable. After that - life goes on.
So what "dog" are you feeding - or not feeding?
Comment Topics:
"Break Up" with whatever dog you're feeding that needs to stop shadowing you.
"Feed" the dog that you want to follow you today.
"Feed" the dog that you want to follow you today.
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