Lately, about a handful of my friends and aquintances are seperating, breaking up, and going through divorces.
Now, I'm a big fan of marriage. It's been good too me, even though this is my 2nd time around the block. I learned SO MUCH from my first marriage that I couldn't be more grateful for the experience. But that relationship played out as it was ment to - not to be forever, but to be a learning experience.
But that said, I'm NOT a fan of Divorce, but I do see it as a sometimes-necessary-evil. Everyone has their deal breakers (addiction w/o help, abuse physical or otherwise, infidelity, etc). That goes for me too.
When folks get married, I imagine that they come to the alter the same why I did - with every confidence that this is forever. No one (I hope) PLANS on getting a divorce while they are standing there. Even when divorce really is the BEST option for all involved, it's a very difficult process - emotionally speaking.
I remember feeling devastated. I spent a few days taking refuge at my parent's house just so I wasn't alone. A few days into it (and with some wise counsel from my mom), I realized that my problems weren't just going to go away if I hid under the covers. I had to face going back to the place my ex and I lived and sleeping alone, managing the bills alone, and getting through the every day stuff w/ no one around at the end of the night.
On some level, I felt instantly relieved that what had become a stressful relationship was over. But that didn't mean I didn't dissolve into tears out of the blue nearly every day for a few weeks.
I also remember feeling terribly guilty from time to time. Sometimes it was because I knew I wasn't the perfect wife. But then again, who is perfect?
I strongly remembered feeling ashamed. That was the worst part. Divorce, even in the best of cases, makes one doubt ones' self. After all, there are ALWAYS warning signs that a relationship is toxic (and I used 'toxic' because 'wounded' doesn't warrant divorce - that warrant's therapy). In re-reading some of my old journals, all the signs were CLEARLY there and I chose to overlook them at the time. It took a good deal of time to learn to accept that I'd made the best choices I felt I could have in that moment and let go of the shame. Yes, I hadn't picked the best match. Yes, I said "I Do" in front of the world. And now, well, "we don't". While that was hard to accept, I realized that the more I reached out for support - the more I found it. Lonely became less scary because I had friends and family (and a rockin' therapist). The shame was soon overwhelmed by the outpouring of love every time I reached out, and the overwhelming sense of gratitude for all the wonderful souls that had touched my life.
That doesn't mean it didn't hurt. For a long time it was like a bruise that would occasionally get "poked" by something. But ya know what?
What growth DOESN'T hurt?
Through the help of my amazing therapist, I learned several things that have helped me build a much stronger foundation in my relationships since then. Here's what I slowly came to realize after a year of counseling.
The only person's happiness that I can control is MY OWN.
There is rarely one party to "blame" during a divorce or break up. No one is perfect. My biggest flaw, looking back on it, was that I expected marriage to make me happy.
See, the magic of happiness works the other way around actually. I learned that when I'm happy and secure within myself, I can share that (and it tends to rub off on people), so it's worth taking the steps I need to take to make myself deeply content. I also learned that, while it's a blessing to make other people happy, if I rely on others to provide a response to make me happy - I could very well be waiting forever.
I learned that the beauty in saying, "I love you" is saying it because it's honestly how you feel, not because you "should" say it or you're fishing for/expecting a response in kind. The kind of "I love you's" that just need to be expressed are truly the most beautiful, no matter if it's returned or not.
Also learned that it's very possible to love something that isn't good for us. For example, how many people love cigars or fast food? They won't do us any favors, but it's hard to break those toxic relationship bonds.
I learned that, when I trust myself to make wise decisions, it's effortless to trust my partner. It's bred a much more relaxed relationship dynamic that I adore.
Being the type of partner I'd like to have in my life has worked out well for me. Now, not every relationship since my divorce has lead to marriage. Obviously I'm expecting this one to last forever. But every relationship has been too beautiful of a learning experience for me to regret a moment of any of them, even though they had to run their course.
Sure, getting divorced physically felt like cutting off my arm. It was a painful process, even though ours was very legally simple and generally trouble-free aside from splitting some debts.
I was scared to death those first few days.
But I learned that (emotionally speaking) arms grow back - and even stronger later in life.
Whatever storm seems like the end of the road now, if I could give those folks considering it any piece of advice (especially those with kids) it would be this - Do what you need to do in your life to make you whole. If after that, you don't feel like you can work on the marriage, then you've really done all you can do. The upside is, you'll be stable and you'll be able to impart stability in your family even after the huge change that divorce can be.
The downside? It'll still hurt, and our natural inclination is to avoid pain, right? Yup. But the difference between being alone and flying solo is all in your perspective.
(I'm also a big fan of getting personal therapy. It can really help sort out our issues and when 2 individuals fix themselves, they can come together as an even stronger team!)
What are some of the lessons you've learned from the growing pain that is heartache?
