(cue Sixth Sense voice) "I see pregnant people."
Well, okay, only pregnant women. I've yet to actually see a pregnant man in person. But lately, there have been several pregnant people around me. Oddly enough, I've also been able to help a friend through her infertility struggles as well, and that's as healing for me as it is for her.
And let's be honest.
I wouldn't be one of those "glowing" pregnant women. I'd be one of these -
Not because I battle infertility. My lower abdomen has been making it's disease process well known all week long. It's not nearly intolerable - just annoying.
I feel like I'm lucky because I'm in a beautiful place in my life where I'm able to simply be happy for those that are pregnant, rather than see it as a "there must be something wrong with me as a woman because my body can't do what other body's seem to do so easily."
I feel like I'm lucky because my life is good - with or without children. Without childeren, I have a bit more flexiblity in my "get up and go". I could travel the world without having to worry about packing diapers. I can go for a walk without pushing a stroller.
There was a time when seeing people pregnant started this huge inner conflict. I realized that I was 'shoulding' myself to death. By 26, I figured I should be married, and there I was divorced. I figured I should be a certain size all my life, and I never reached it. I figured I should have a family by 29, but by 29, I was still a family of one - me.
Now, as I round the other side of 32, I've long since internalized the lesson-
"Jealousy is simply and clearly the fear that you do not have value. Jealousy scans for evidence to prove the point - that others will be preferred and rewarded more than you. There is only one alternative - self-value. If you cannot love yourself, you will not believe that you are loved. You will always think it's a mistake or luck. Take your eyes off others and turn the scanner within. Find the seeds of your jealousy, clear the old voices and experiences. Put all the energy into building your personal and emotional security. Then you will be the one others envy, and you can remember the pain and reach out to them." ~Jennifer James
Choosing to count what you don't have over what you do have is taking the path of Fear. After all, aren't you feeling envious or pained because you're 'afraid' that you won't have it?
Choosing to share in their joy and being grateful for your life is choosing the path of Love. After all, "People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” - Maya Angelou
Well, okay, only pregnant women. I've yet to actually see a pregnant man in person. But lately, there have been several pregnant people around me. Oddly enough, I've also been able to help a friend through her infertility struggles as well, and that's as healing for me as it is for her.
And let's be honest.
I wouldn't be one of those "glowing" pregnant women. I'd be one of these -
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Super stressed, high risk, trying to figure out how to make ends meet without a roommate (because he would have to go if a kid was coming home) with increased expenses, decreased income, oh, and did I mention deployments and no one in the area I know well enough to count on (despite my best efforts thus far)? I'm the cheif breadwinner 'round these parts right now and have always been able to financially support myself, so it would be really weird for me to change those roles anyway.
That's when it dawned on me. I'm pretty lucky.
That's when it dawned on me. I'm pretty lucky.
Not because I battle infertility. My lower abdomen has been making it's disease process well known all week long. It's not nearly intolerable - just annoying.
I feel like I'm lucky because I'm in a beautiful place in my life where I'm able to simply be happy for those that are pregnant, rather than see it as a "there must be something wrong with me as a woman because my body can't do what other body's seem to do so easily."
I feel like I'm lucky because my life is good - with or without children. Without childeren, I have a bit more flexiblity in my "get up and go". I could travel the world without having to worry about packing diapers. I can go for a walk without pushing a stroller.
There was a time when seeing people pregnant started this huge inner conflict. I realized that I was 'shoulding' myself to death. By 26, I figured I should be married, and there I was divorced. I figured I should be a certain size all my life, and I never reached it. I figured I should have a family by 29, but by 29, I was still a family of one - me.
Now, as I round the other side of 32, I've long since internalized the lesson-
"Jealousy is simply and clearly the fear that you do not have value. Jealousy scans for evidence to prove the point - that others will be preferred and rewarded more than you. There is only one alternative - self-value. If you cannot love yourself, you will not believe that you are loved. You will always think it's a mistake or luck. Take your eyes off others and turn the scanner within. Find the seeds of your jealousy, clear the old voices and experiences. Put all the energy into building your personal and emotional security. Then you will be the one others envy, and you can remember the pain and reach out to them." ~Jennifer James
Choosing to count what you don't have over what you do have is taking the path of Fear. After all, aren't you feeling envious or pained because you're 'afraid' that you won't have it?
Choosing to share in their joy and being grateful for your life is choosing the path of Love. After all, "People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” - Maya Angelou
Granted, that doesn't mean I go to baby showers or most young children's birthday parties. (I kinda think young kids birthday parties are a little silly for adults w/o kids to attend.) Emotions when you're dealing with infertility can be tough, and I'll admit, there are times when I choose the path of Fear over the path of Love. Nobody is perfect. But it doesn't mean I can't send my love, or a card, or a gift, or enjoy chatting with them about their new stage in life.
I'm so grateful to be in a place in my life were I'm done 'shoulding' myself, and 'keeping up with the Jones'. What's right for me, may not be right for everyone else. If we all shared the same life path and template, how boring that would be! But that doesn't mean there is something 'wrong' with me. My biological clock stopped screaming at me years ago and I focus now on feeling good, over choosing to believe that my worth as a woman lies only in my uterus.
What are you 'shoulding' yourself about?
What are you 'shoulding' yourself about?
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